Vanes versus Veins

P.S.


Consider: "Vanes and Veins" to "Vanes versus Veins" or some similar switch.

Sara,


This light looks good on you. Unfortunately, you're not in it, or else it's morning--I'm not sure which.

This reminds me of the pursuits of a child who has not yet fully mastered the process. He has all the parts there, but he can't quite assemble them. Below is a version I think will show you specifically my contentions.


All the best,
Brad




vanes and veins

Take deep breaths. I want this to last.

You. You appear in a mass of leaves,
swirling the empty air you've taken over[,
like you take over every inch of my rotten heart][\b].
[b][Crisp in bitter]Bitter, crisp [in] between your fingers, squeeze
[(beat beat)]. Brush the lies from your eyes, *(lies-eyes rhyme is not working; nor is this meaning terribly clear. Perhaps change 'eyes' to hair and rework from that, (hair would make sense, since there is air swirling around))*
take deep breaths, darling - release me,
let me float[ on the wind], release, [/] let me go.

Feeling faint, stop shattering me into cold
masses of anger. *(not fond of 'masses')* [Snap your glasses and I'll
break from your arms]I'll snap your glasses, /
break your arms, blades of
sweeping scythes, hilted art, sharpened love.
You. You appear in a mass of papers[,];
you're name['] is a land mine[,][you're]
setting fire to the autumn sky. Brittle [fire]flames, brittle lies,
we say, we say - we love each other.
Scraps of air, snippets of fate and lithium -
we were always kings and queens in the blindness
of your naked eyes. *(this is nonsensical, lithium goes with many things, but not kings and queens; this is, in short, pretty but meaningless)*

I want this to last, but the [last] lea[f]ves [is]are falling like
[an] atom bombs around us, when just an atom of you in me [that] makes
me crazy - inhale, exhale, fill these jail cells and turn
copper lovely shades of green. This proves that growth
is rot *(too obscure here, fix this, pronto.)*, and we're always a decade too young, always
windmill fans, [always] falling down.

The wind never blows the right way, you never breathe
[exactly] when [I need it] you should, but I love how you've lined this weather
vane to run parallel to my arteries[...just so it matches,
just so I see death's whiplash on the windowsill -
[just] so I can discover love is freefalling and [that]
nothing ever lasts.

[Not even gravity.]

Great job gummy! One of your best to date.

Wiggy

wow. i mean, wow.
i could never write like that. it's amazing. i wish i had something more to say, but...